I began university about a month ago and moved into the university accommodation. each floor has bedrooms and a shared common room. theres a girl that i liked alot. she's doing the same course as me, i talked to her fairly often, helped her with homework a couple of times when she needed it, seemed to get along well i thought. there was another guy who seemed into her but i didnt think much would come of it since he seemed to be constantly be trying to talk to her and crack jokes, to the point when he seemed a bit fake and his motives transparent, and i thought it was important to give her some space and respect, not come off too desperate. i'll be honest, i've never even had a girlfriend before. i dont think im ugly really, but im having second thoughts now. i've always been the nice guy i guess, quite quiet although not to the point i cant have a decent converstion. im fairly large but i've always shunned shows of machoism because it always just represented insecurity to me and i find things like intellect and humility to be much more important.
because perhaps i dont have much confidence or experience, i've never really made much of a move on girls. i've tried to present myself as an interesting person with a variety of hobbies and opinions, and sure, girls seemed impressed that i could cook fancy things, solve rubiks cubes, play guitar the girl i love poemsetc. sorry if that sounded a bit arrogant, im simply trying to state things as they seem to me, not boast about anything. the thing is, being momentarily impressed is about where it stopped. i got a couple of compliments about it, it became old news, and that was the product of all that.
so, i thought, i need something definitive if i was to get anywhere. poetry is something i like to think i have a knack for, so i had a try at making a love poem. i dont think it was bad, i tried to keep it from turning into a typical cheesy overly romantic love poem, but kept it eloquent and i had some genuine thoughts and opinions within it, about how i felt about her. even then i doubted if it would be a good idea to give it to her, but i was at the point where i was desperate for any reaction at all. it was probably the first time that i had explicitly made my feelings clear to a girl, and i still was apprehensive about it, so i made it annonymous, typed it on computer, and slipped it under her bedroom door when she was out. if her reaction to it was positive, perhaps i could tell her i wrote it.
that was last night. today, i got my reaction. of all the reactions i had considered, total alienation wasnt one of them. apparently, they got together and decided i must have been the one who wrote it, seeing as the girl is avoiding speaking to me, and the rthe girl i love poemsest seem somewhat evasive. none have raised the matter directly to my face, and i cant raise it without showing i knew of the poem. i thought they'd have at least thought it was the other guy who likes her who'd made it, im not the only one who's realised how much he clings to her, but he must've got in before i could and asserted he had no part to play in the poem making. he seems to be enjoying my apparent defeat, think i may have heard him say something along the lines of "he would deny it anyway if you asked him" after i walked out of a room.
so, i guess my question is, is this what i get for my sincerity? the only person here probably who has revealed his true feelings and i feel suddenly like an outcast, like i have broken a hidden code among us that all must play act on the surface or be branded a freak.
Just say you thought it'd be kinda cool that you done it that way and joke about it like " I was watching Simpson's coz there was nothing on and Bart tried it and it worked, well after a guy see's that he's gotta try it out right? " then laugh 'kay?
Live your life like normal act like it's no big deal, next time maybe write a song on your guitar and play it to her while looking at the stars or something romantic like that. Gd Luck!
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